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Simon Flood
29-Jun-2007, 01:01 PM
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
"T'PAU!" I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??" He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. "Best
Before End"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Andrew Z Carpenter
29-Jun-2007, 01:27 PM
> "Simon Flood" <S.M.Flood@ucs.cam.ac.uk> wrote in
> message news:Rw6hi.1032$8i6.203@prv-forum2.provo.novell.com...
>
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
> said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
>
> I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
> Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
> Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"



Tommy Cooper died in 1984.

The Eurostar came into operation in 1994.

Batman Forever came out in 1995.


Some of these sound more like Jimmy Carr jokes to me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Carr



--
AZC

Blinky Bill
29-Jun-2007, 01:43 PM
LOL

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Shaun Pond
29-Jun-2007, 02:43 PM
Simon,

sadly missed

--

Shaun Pond

Simon Flood
29-Jun-2007, 04:34 PM
On 29/06/2007 13:27, Andrew Z Carpenter wrote:

> Tommy Cooper died in 1984.

RIP.

> The Eurostar came into operation in 1994.
>
> Batman Forever came out in 1995.
>
> Some of these sound more like Jimmy Carr jokes to me.

OK so maybe the subject line should have read "Bad Tommy Cooper-esque jokes"

Simon