Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey
Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been
saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this --
beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine!
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: Oops! And your message.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a
signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You
have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

You have dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand
by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR
Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-urgent.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you.

Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right
now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when
you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and
number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please
press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are
manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how
you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still
speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued
support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a
message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak
French to you, just say, "non".

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

Beethoven's Fifth:
Nobody's home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

"If I Only Had A Brain":
I might be in the shower,
I might be gone for hours,
I can't come to the phone.
So, please leave your name and number,
If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
Leave your message at the tone...

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the
phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an
electrical engineer. I can do that.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your
MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back
to you pending credit approval.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of
order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test
1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
90 degrees and try again

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling
Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll
call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic
membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea"
T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a
transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?