The Zen of Sarcasm
* Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.
* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
* Itís always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
* Donít be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
* If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
* Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
* There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
* Generally speaking, you canít learn anything when your lips are moving.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Never miss a good chance to keep your mouth shut.
* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.